The 2009 Vanderbilt Commodores

Pigs aren't soaring across the skies outside, the fiery pits of Hell haven't seen a winter yet, and the Devil has yet to strike a deal for my soul - so how did this happen? Vanderbilt finished 2008 with more wins than losses, finished 3rd in the SEC East, climbed to 13th in national polls, and closed the year out with a bowl win against a top 15 team. Spirits are as high in Nashville as I've felt during my Vandy-fevered life, and why shouldn't they be? Vanderbilt returns 17 starters from last year's decorated squad.


While I'd like to jump on the bandwagon with this year's team and have outrageous expectations (SEC CHAMPS!), I still haven't forgotten the 26-year suckfest before the 2008 season. Plus, while Vanderbilt played and won 3 of the best games in the school's history (Auburn, South Carolina, Ole Miss), they also lost a couple of givens that brought Jay Cutler's back-to-back MTSU losses to mind (Duke, Mississippi State). The defense returning 9 starters for 2009 is unbelievably good for this team - the 7 or so for an offense that placed sub-100 overall for yards gained in the nation last year isn't.


The goal set by the team is to have an even better record than 2008, but to do that they're going to have to overcome some drastic obstacles. First, the schedule is even more Vandy-opressive than usual - the team trades Wake Forest for a dominating Georgia Tech squad and in conference foe Auburn for the insanely talented LSU Tigers. Second, a scheduling mishap forces them to play 12 STRAIGHT GAMES this year without a bye week. 12 straight. In the SEC. Needless to say, by season's end we will have seen just about every member of the black and gold get some play time.


Lastly, the offense has to find a way to shake things up this year - another sub-100 overall finish won't amount to a bowl game this year. Efforts were made in the spring game to install a new no-huddle look, which may help a bit, but the serious issues have been with play calling and lack of versatility at running back. With a batch of freshman tailbacks coming in (all were 3-stars on rivals.com - the first of their kind in the Bobby Johnson era) and a more experienced receiving corps, hopefully offensive coordinator Ted Cain can at least improve Vandy's offensive drought.

Vanderbilt has a great chance to improve on last year's record. The aura around Nashville is great, the team is motivated and plays with swagger, and the talent level is higher than it's ever been. At the same time, the 'Dores are still threatened with a losing season because of a daunting schedule and still below the elite level talent they'll face from most SEC teams. If they stick to the same high-takeaway ratio, penalty-free playing that we saw last year, the least this team can accomplish is a above-.500 finish.

The 2009 Auburn Tigers

WTF Auburn fans? First, you strangely decide to make your mascot the Tiger while you have a much cooler and historical War Eagle in the wings. Next, you fire one of the top coaches in the nation - one that brought you out of SEC mediocrity - after one losing season.

Tommy Tuberville was basically fired for hiring a drastic change in offensive mentality with coordinator Tony Franklin, who was deemed "master of the spread" before the start of the 08 season. Auburn smash-mouth football was going to be replaced with a big-time passing game, which obviously would require as much time to install as hiring a completely new coaching staff. Hence, a 5-7 season.

Instead of waiting it out, Tiger fans got super-pissed and called for first Franklin's head (the Auburn rivals.com site actually FEATURED a video of a fan heckling Franklin and his family as he packed his car to leave the practice complex) and eventually Tommy Tuberville after the enormous loss in the Iron Bowl to undefeated arch-rival Alabama. As if the Tigers stood a chance.

So, what has happened since the firing? Auburn turned to famed defensive coordinator, not so famed head coach Gene Chizik, who posted 5 wins in 2 seasons with the Iowa State cyclones. Analysts even went so far as to claim that the team was showing no signs of improvement during those 2 years. Chizik was defensive coordinator at Auburn for a year or so before moving on to Iowa State - this fact seems to be his saving grace for the hire at Auburn. Or maybe it was a desperate move to quiet a rabid fanbase.

Chizik went to Minnesota and snagged D-coordinator Ted Roof, who had drastically improved the Gophers defense in his one year with the squad. This was perhaps Auburn's best gain from the new staff, as Chizik then picked up Gus Malzahn from Tulsa as O-coordinator. Why is this an interesting hire?

Well, for starters, he has often been called "master of the spread" after his years at Tulsa, and once again the team does not have the tools to excel with a spread offense. Quarterback Kodi Burns is a decent runner and below-average passer, struggling to complete 50% of his passes last season. He will struggle again this year, along with tailback Ben Tate whose stocky build would equal a 1,000 yard season with any pro-style offense in the nation.

Further, Malzahn has been in the SEC before - with Houston Nutt and Arkansas - and had mediocre results, other than the huge numbers posted by then Heisman-candidate running back Darren McFadden. This hire will be the make-or-break of the Chizik experiment.

Word on the street is that the new staff at Auburn has "energized" the fanbase and is breathing life back into the program following last season's disappointment. Time will tell how much faith Tiger fans have after this season - Auburn should feel lucky if they even qualify for a bowl game.

Faulkin' Around

In the same class as the Sherwood Anderson imitation paper, I was asked to choose another famous author for a 1000-word short story imitation. Naturally, I chose the most famous American author of all time - William "Big Money" Faulkner. The class marked my first reading of his classic As I Lay Dying (if you read a book in your life, this should be it), whose neat perspective-changing dialogue I blatantly stole for this story. It is important to note that I made a low C for this paper, because (a) my teacher said the characters weren't on par with those in As I Lay Dying (he said my characters were too advanced for their age), (b) this story is immensely tragic in Faulkner style but without his dark humor, and (c) I will never be William Faulkner.

This story is about something I think about a lot - how much pressure there is to be a parent. The tragedy in this story is not how I figure parenthood should be or what I think it leads to - I just want people to realize that having children and being a parent are both things that should be immensely respected.

One more thing before I set you loose on this bitch: it has made 2 out of 2 female readers burst into tears. Enjoy!

“The Child”

Child

Today is a good day because Daddy is here now, and he is hugging Mama in the kitchen, and she is smiling. Usually he comes back from his work when it is pitch dark outside, but he must have gotten real tired and bored and wanted to see us, so he came home when the sun is up.

I am a boy, and my birthday is coming up, and when it does, I will be five, which is about as many fingers as you have on one hand. I have one Mama and one Daddy, and we live together in a house, and I like it. My room is big enough to hold all of my toys at once, plus it is right across from my parents’ room and right next to our bathroom, which I think is good. Whenever I throw my toys into the TV room, Mama gets mad at me, but she always helps pick them up, because she is a good Mama. She must be cooking something, because I can see hot water boiling out of the stove from where I sit next to the TV.

When Daddy came in, I hid from him behind the bar separating the TV room from the kitchen, and when I couldn’t wait anymore, I yelled and ran and grabbed his leg and bit it.

“Wow,” Daddy says and tries to grab me. “Someone needs to be in bed by now,” but before he can grab me I run away and hide behind the TV, but he finds me.

Daddy is strong and smart, because he can always find me. There are other people’s Dads who cannot run as fast or keep up with me and my friends out in the yard, but Daddy is so strong, he can keep up with us, and Mama can too. I think they even look different from other people’s parents, and I like that because I plan to marry Mama as soon as I am old enough, and she says that is probably when I’m eighteen, which is a number so big that it is more fingers than you have, and when I asked Daddy how old eighteen was he said it was about as old as Mama, so maybe she will wait that long.

Daddy puts me in bed, but I am almost asleep so that I don’t even remember touching the pillow.

...

It is much closer to my birthday now, but today is not a good day. Mama was mad at me today, because I think I was mean to her, and when she yelled at me I cried and she started crying too. Then Daddy came home, and he got mad at her and yelled at her, and she started crying again and now they are in their bedroom, and sometimes I can hear them. I think Mama didn’t take her medicine today, and Daddy got mad, because he wants her to be happy which is what the medicine is for.

Now I can see through the crack in the door. Mama is still crying hard, and Daddy is hugging her and petting the back of her hair like a puppy dog and saying, “It’ll be all right, it’ll be all right” into her ear but she keeps crying.

If Daddy told me it was all right I would believe him, because he is always right.

Daddy

Sometimes I think she is getting better, but then sometimes she’ll surprise me. Why won’t she take her medicine? Insurance will cover it for as long as she needs it – I just wish she’d take it if she knows it’s going to help. Whenever she breaks down like this and I ask her all of these questions, all she can say is “I know” almost like she doesn’t care and that makes me even more worried.

I am trying to make things work. I moved back home and quit school to marry her and get things straight – I just want to do the right thing. I really want things to work, but I can’t work these hours and be home all day too. I think I will schedule her doctor’s appointment and get him to look at her thyroid again.

Mama

Every day is getting so hard. I used to wake up feeling so good, but now by the end of the day I hate everything. And even this morning when I woke up, I still feel the same as when I went to sleep, like I just can’t do it anymore.

He doesn’t understand. He is a good man, but he doesn’t understand what I am thinking, he just can’t relate, maybe just because he is a man. I am so tired. Mama said it would be hard raising a child even as young as I am, and she was right. She thought and the doctor said it was post partum, so I guess it is. I am so tired.

Our baby in the other room is asking me questions, but I can’t really think to answer any of them. I found the new bottle of prescription pills and swallow one of the little blue pills and try to feel better.

Do I not have friends anymore? Angie – oh, God, Angie – I forgot all about her. How could I have gone so long without talking to my best friend? When did I ever go this long without talking to her? I call her, but she doesn’t answer – and that’s when I remember she is probably in class. I was hoping she’d call me at lunch, which I told her in the voicemail, but she doesn’t call. I guess I don’t really blame her, but I am still a little upset. Another blue pill buries those feelings down a little bit deeper.

Watching my son is like watching my childhood die. When he gets old, I will be old too – but where did my childhood go? I feel like I still am a child. If we hadn’t had this child I’d have been out of high school by a year, maybe in college right now. He’d still be in college – maybe we wouldn’t even know each other, much less be married in this tiny house. God, I’m scared – I can feel it welling up inside of me so I take another pill.

He promised me things would get better, but I can’t tell if they will anymore. My life feels like it’s gone, and I can’t help but feel like I’m ruining his and our son’s by pulling them down with me. I am so tired, so I take another pill.

It is dark outside, but I don’t remember it becoming such. Our child says he is hungry, but I am too tired to cook. I tell him to wait for Daddy, and I go and lay in bed. I can’t remember if I’ve taken my pill for the night, so I grab another one before I lie down. Did I take more than one? I can’t really tell, but I swallow anyway, and get to where I don’t care, and I don’t feel anymore.

Child

Mama is cold, so I gave her a blanket, but she didn’t say anything to me. Daddy comes home later than usual and asks me why I am still up, and I tell him because Mama is sick. He walks into their room and is talking to her really quietly so that I can’t hear him. Then I hear him yelling her name very loud, and I think he may be crying, but I can’t tell.

I hope Mama is feeling better.

Sherwood Anderson Wrote Weird Stories and So Do I

For the first edition of "Story Time with Clayfer," I give you a 500-word paper I turned in for a 200 level English class two years ago. Why do I do this? Because no eyes save my 200 level English teacher and my own have ever graced these words...plus I want some feedback. I love you guys.

A little background: Sherwood Anderson was one of the first "modern" style writers and really seemed to hammer down on describing the weird in every person out there. The odd personalities he describes in most of his short stories make the early 1900s seem that much more real. The following is from an exercise where I attempt to imitate Anderson's writing style. The dude in this story is based on a guy I saw everyday in my Classic Civ class a few years ago. I don't think that man is homicidal, but wouldn't it be neat if he was?

No, it wouldn't.

"Desperate"

Walter Tomes entered the enormous stadium seated auditorium and made his long descent to his seat in the very first row on the very left side. He had been seated on a bench just outside the room a good twenty-five minutes before class started as usual. He waited until the students inside would pour out, so he could take the seat of his choice for his own class. Hunched over so far he could easily make out the various perforations in his dated Reebok’s, his books clutched in both hands, he descended the length of the classroom’s steps.

Walter is a thirty-three year old man. A thin moustache that barely covers half of his upper lip is the result of a week that got away from him years ago, a mistake he decided never to correct. He dresses as one would expect an aging father of four to, though he has no children or family to call his own. He currently holds a full-time job as a janitor for the University of Tennessee, the same school he is currently attending part-time. He is an excellent student – and desperately lonely.

Walter is a man that feels the judgmental eyes of those around him every moment he steps from his home. Though he hardly ever speaks and is regarded by others as much as they would address the clouds overhead, he still carries this insecurity on his sleeve. This is especially true regarding the subject of his major, which is Classical Civilizations, a subject he finds interesting but utterly useless.

“They laugh at me because of it,” he could be heard saying to his closet of mops, “If they would think less of me for that, then I would think less of them.”

“They” refers to a group of students that sit on the opposite side of the room from Walter. They are young, good-looking, charismatic students who ask questions often and are known throughout the class. A recent remark made by his teacher in this very classroom before the entirety of the room, including them, has made Walter on the verge of hysterics like never before.

“Please, Mr. Tomes,” the teacher had said, as Walter was turning in a freshly completed quiz, “keep them for now – I will take them all up together.” This comment was accompanied by a snicker from one of them, Walter was sure of it. The comment devastated Walter, and, face flushed, he returned to his seat (and later to his home) with less self-confidence than he had ever experienced.

And that is why he has a gun with him today. It is in the right pocket of his jacket. His plan is to kill his teacher at the end of the class period.

“They will understand me then,” he had told his mops. “I will take back what my teacher took from me.” But of course he received no response.

A bead of sweat slid down from his eyebrow as Walter waited for the final moments of the class. He breathed heavily as his instructor paced back in forth in front of the crowded room, reviewing slide after slide of his PowerPoint lecture. From the corner of his eye, he could see them – all were in their seats as usual, sitting straight up, attentively.

“OK,” said the lecturer sometime later, “I’m going to pass back the papers from Thursday, and then you’re free to go.”

As his teacher approached, Walter could barely contain himself. He felt light-headed, but still managed to wrap his fist around the gun’s handle.

“Mr. Tomes,” the teacher said, extending a paper toward him. “Excellent work. It’s good to know someone’s paying attention.”

Walter blinked several times and said nothing. He didn’t even extend his hand to accept the paper, merely allowed it to fall on the desk in front of him. The compliment faded through him and restored his heart beat to normal, and as everyone in the room packed up to leave, he sat with his head down, hand still in his jacket, staring at the paper. He was the last person to leave that day.

Have I mentioned I talked to John Mayer once?

What follows is possibly the greatest never-actually-published article the Daily Beacon at UT ever had submitted. Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm the author; maybe I'm saying it because it's about John Mayer (I'm a fan); maybe I'm just saying that because of the douche-y circumstances surrounding its never-being-published (damn you, entertainment editor!). I don't know.

But I do think you should give it a look - it might inspire you to listen to the man, the myth, the legend (if you do get so inspired, I recommend John's "Free Fallin" cover from his live album Where the Light Is).

Grammy-nominated Artist Returns to Knoxville

When he steps out of his tour bus this Tuesday into the frigid Knoxville air, just five days before one of the most pivotal moments of his career, John Mayer will be at the pinnacle of a profession he may have only dreamed about a short eight years ago. He enters Knoxville’s Civic Auditorium with five Grammy nominations, including Album of the Year for his latest, Continuum, which debuted at the #2 spot on the Billboard charts, and Best Rock Album of the Year for his stint with the John Mayer Trio in a live album called Try!. He has seen each of his three major label albums produce multiple hits and award nominations, all well before he sees his 30 birthday this October. Even so, it is doubtless when his feet hit the pavement, even as he steps on stage before thousands of people, somehow John will consider it all just another day in an amazing music career.

It was 2001 when Mayer’s first album Room for Squares hit store shelves, but it seems even longer ago when compared to the growth of his musical style and lyrical perspective in Continuum. Compare previous hits like “Your Body is a Wonderland” to his new, more determined hit “Waiting on the World to Change” and his progression as an artist becomes more clear – take these lyrics from the anti-war themed “Belief” as example: “What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand/Belief can/What puts the folded flag inside his mother’s hand/Belief can.” This gradual change though, was not a conscious decision.
“I wouldn’t necessarily say it was a conscious decision,” Mayer says, regarding his musical shift. “There’s as much conscious or unconscious decision in changing anything else in your life, like if you said ‘I’m going to stop swearing all the time.’ All those changes are completely relative to the changes you make as a musician. Music’s stayed so close to me that however I’ve changed, it’s going to change.”

Perhaps the only thing capable of outpacing Mayer’s lyrical progression is his ability with a guitar. From Room for Squares’ mellow, poppy, rhythmic beats (typified by the single “No Such Thing”) to an uncharacteristic grind and crunch to his riffs in 2003’s Heavier Things (the under-rated track “Something’s Missing” has probably his hardest licks), Mayer appeared to have raised his standard as one of our generation’s best rising guitarists. With Continuum, Mayer continues his progression by entering the lingering blues style of guitar, which until this album’s release was considered little more than a forbearer of popular rock and pop music. In his latest approach, Mayer unapologetically revitalizes a dying genre with the swagger of a card player with an ace up his sleeve. But with this trend of groundbreaking guitar progression, will John Mayer ultimately be remembered as a guitar composer, the Eric Clapton of our era, or will his lyrics remain his most influential aspect?

“I don’t think I’ll be remembered for my abilities as a vocalist, but I do think I will be remembered as a vocalist,” says Mayer. “I think that has to do with the lyrics being stronger than the guitar playing. I don’t mean being better, I mean having more power than the guitar playing. That’s an early choice I made in my career; you either give power to the guitar playing and let the lyrics follow, or the other way around, and I think the way to reach more people is to really take a lyrical approach to it.”

After three previous Grammy awards and over 8 million records sold, one could say that Mayer has become an influence of his own in the music business. To date, Mayer has worked with some of the biggest names in the industry, including BB King, the Dixie Chicks, Kanye West, and Alicia Keyes. Though his mainstream appeal allows him to invest in many genres of music, none of his abilities as an artist are lost in the process.

“John Mayer is great because of his versatility as an artist,” admits Catherine Pendleton, a sophomore in Child and Family Studies. “There’s no one out there who can blend as many genres of music as he can.”

Somewhere in the thick of his daily devotion to his musical career, Mayer does actually have a life of his own, one that he even portrays openly and in his own way. Loyal fans will be familiar with his (almost) daily blogs on JohnMayer.com, where he reveals a less serious approach to life that goes mostly unrepresented in his music. On it, you will find his latest music videos, random videos of his own, his view on the Grey’s Anatomy scandal, and even a blueprint for his own ketchup-packet-like peanut butter applicator. He also sheds some light on his side project in New York City’s stand-up comedy network, which is a significant and rather unforeseen step from his music career. Whether or not he brings some of his routine with him on his tour remains to be seen.

Mayer’s performance at the Civic Auditorium begins just five short days before the Grammy awards in Los Angeles, but Knoxville is no stranger to the man’s success as a musician.

“John played a packed show at Blue Cats just after Room for Squares came out, so Knoxville’s been supporting him for a while,” says Paige Travis, a representative from the Civic Auditorium.

Given the prestige of the artist and the familiarity with his name in this city, there is little doubt of the quality of the show that is expected Tuesday. Through the skills and abilities as a musician and beyond the multiple intriguing facets of Mayer, one question still remains to be answered: where, exactly, can he go from here? John Mayer, undoubtedly, will answer that question, one show at a time.